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Please don't remind me that I'm poor; I'm having too much fun pretending I'm simply "living green" like everyone else these days.


Thursday, July 1, 2010

My mother again

I'm venting today. 

She's at it again.  This time it's been going on for two days almost non-stop.  Day and night phone calls.  The stress she creates is almost unbearable sometimes.  I can't think, I can't work, and I can't hold a normal conversation with anyone.   My mind seems to just shut down.  I want to run away and hide from everything.  For each one phone call I get from her, it takes me a week to recover my own balance and peace of mind. 

It's just terribly wrong for me to keep letting her do this to me over and over again.  Actually, I can't figure out WHY I let it happen to me so much.  I'm just as guilty of letting her stress me out as she is guilty for doing it.  Each time I answer the phone I'm really hoping it will be a normal mother daughter conversation instead of a shouting match.  When a nurse at the nursing home calls, and without asking me if it's ok, puts my mother on the phone, they are putting me on the spot.  Not giving me an option to NOT answer the phone if it's my mother.  Each time the phone rings there is a one in ten chance that I will get the normal instead of the abusive conversation.  I have better luck playing the lottery. 

I can't get my mother to understand she's not able to take care of herself anymore.  Her response is always.... "Why can't I take care of myself?"  In her mind she is still 30 years old and can do whatever she wants.  All the years of drug abuse has seriously taken it's toll.  One fourth of the time she's ok and the other three quarters of the time it's as if she's tweeking and searching for the next fix.  I get the blame when she can't get her fix the same as if I were the abused child again. 

When she tells me that I'm the one who put her "in that prison" I want to tell the nursing home to open the doors and let her go.  Whatever happens to her happens.  I don't want to know about it!

Did I ever say that my mother has been a drug addict and a mental patient for over 60 years?  Yup, all those years.  I have been her guardian since I was 6 years old.  Not officially, of course.  I didn't become an official guardian until I was 18.  At 6 years old I learned to change diapers and mix formula for my 2 week old sister.  I learned to cook oatmeal for my bother and myself and how to wash diapers.  The only time I got relief from the abuse was when I was lucky enough to get placed into an orphanage or go stay with a relative for a few weeks.  Each time my mother was placed in a mental facility "to even out" as they called it, we got placed somewhere.  When she got better we were given back to her. 

In those days it was much easier for parents to get children out of foster care than it is today.  My happiest memories were when I stayed with my grandparents where I learned to work hard and have fun while doing it.  There were no worries about abuse at their house.

I fall victim to my mother's abuse even after all these years and all the determination to NOT be a victim anymore.  She knows exactly how to sneak up on me as sweet and nice as I always hoped she would be.... then WHAM!  she gets me every time. 

I've bought a new answering machine again and instructed the nursing home staff that I won't take any more calls.  If there is an emergency, I'll have to call them back.  They are NOT to call me to try to calm her down.  They are the professionals, not me.  If they can't handle her then they should send her someplace that can!

I don't want to take the abuse anymore.... period!  I think I can get back to work now.

Hmm.... I wonder how many restful days I'll actually get before she sneaks up on me again?  It will happen you know?  I'll get relaxed and moving in my grove when she'll sneak in again.


Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you.
I follow your blog almost every day because you share so much and when you speak of your mother my heart crys for you.
Please find some peace.
Cindy N. UT

Angela Huffman said...

(((HUGS))) I hope the boundaries you are putting up guard your heart. You deserve to live a life free of verbal abuse regardless of what title that person has in your life. Mother or not, you shouldn't be treated that way and I'm glad you are standing up to her access to you. (((HUGS)))

lw said...

Oh, Anita, I'm so sorry about your mother. I think using an answering machine is a great idea. You have my permission never to feel guilty about it.

I understand about being sucked in. I have a close relative who is bipolar and the requests for support or cash are always sweet, but once you get pulled in, watch out.

On the other hand, you didn't just survive your childhood, you made sure your sibs did, too. That is a real wonder-- that a 6 year old could be so strong and loving. If you ever feel like giving in, just remember the little girl you were. She needs your support.