A new day

Yes, a new day, new things to think about.

As you know from reading my post, yesterday was a particularly bad day.  What I didn't say in my post was that it would have been my son's 42 birthday.  He passed away from cancer when he was 14.  I wanted to spend the day just remembering him and my mother took that away from me.  

I decided to lay in the bed and take my mind to the quiet place I learned about as a child.  There are no sounds and no responsibilities there.  Only peace.

I awoke this morning still a little depressed but at the same time ready to be normal.  I don't want to be that abused child with the responsibilites of an adult anymore. 
The only way to do that is to stop the contact with the abuser.  This is sad because despite everything, she's still my mother.  See, even now I'm reluctant to cut the strings that hold me to my abuser.  But it must be done.  I'm way too old to let her control the rest of my life.

Today I plan to set up an appointment to petition the courts to get my mother a state appointed guardian.  Neither my brother nor my sister will do it.  They have cut off all contact (years ago) with our mother except when I badger my brother into going with me to see her.   He goes only because of me.   He has a car. Sometimes he will go inside the nursing home for a short visit.  Sometimes he sits in the car and waits for me.

I have often told my mother that I just want to be a daughter.... I don't want to be her parent or her servant anymore.  The last time I was at the nursing home I asked my mother why she never, ever said the words "I love you" to me or the others?  Her response was "I shouldn't have to say that because I'm your mother."  Well sometimes a child just wants to hear it even if they don't believe it.  I asked her why she never called just to say how are you or what are you doing or how are the grandkids instead of just calling me to give orders of things to do.  Her response was "You are supposed to do things for me because I'm your mother."  I guess she never realized that being a mother is more than just giving birth. 

Being a mother should be about doing what is best for the child.  If a mother's love for the child is real then that mother should be strong enough to give up the child for a better life.  I remember several times when all of us had the opportunity to be adopted.  Really nice families that wanted us to be a part of their lives.  Sometimes all of us together and sometimes a family only wanted one of us.  Even today if I ask my brother or my sister about the families that wanted to adopt us..... they can remember every one of them.  I can only vaguely remember one.  I guess because I spent more time in my quiet place than they did.  I can remember all the opportunities but not the families. 

Hmm... I guess I best post this and head to the studio.  I can work until time for the courts to open.

I want my readers to know I'm fine.  Years of dealing with my mother has taught me how to get through the stress.  I either go to the quiet place OR I start cleaning everything in sight.  Today, instead of cleaning I'm going to channel the energy into finishing the quilt on the machine.