Quality vs Quantity of life

An update on my mother.  Yesterday I had a meeting with her doctor and the nursing home staff.  The years and years of living with strong anti-psychotic medications along with tons of other medications have started taking a toll on her physically.  I had to make a decision about her care which I really didn't want to do. 

The medications are basically killing her.  A combination of several medications over a long lifetime is a lethal cocktail of poisons to the muscles and organs of the body.  Mom takes 5 or 6 anti-psychotic medications along with medications for diabetes, Parkinson's, and other things.  In all, I believe there are about 40 medications she takes every day.

Mom has been on anti-psychotic meds for about 40 or 50 years.  She started taking medications way back in the days when mental patients went through horrible medical things.  Shock treatments and experimental medications were normal back then.  Many mental patients were locked away in asylums and treated like animals back then.  My mother was lucky in that she was never left in places like that for longer than a few months. 

I recently told you she had slipped into the next phase of her dementia and altzeimers mentally but now she's slipping more on the physical side as well.  Her kidneys are shutting down and her bones have become very brittle.  She's also loosing weight at an alarming rate. 

I could have her taken off some of the medications which would stop the lethal trouble temporarily.  Doing this she would become so paranoid that life would be miserable for her.  The staff kept her off the meds for a couple of days and my mother started seeing snakes and other monsters which was miserable for her.  She spent her time huddled in a corner of the day room too scared to move.   No way could anyone coax her to go to bed because there were "snakes in her radiator".  It was actually the heating element hissing steam around a pipe.  I had the maintenance man seal the leak and told my mother he was killing the snakes for her. 

The doctors asked me to make the decision about whether to withhold her medications or not and to sign a DNR (do not resuscitate) order.  I chose to give her quality of life rather than quantity.  Keeping her on the medications may shorten her life but the time she has will be much nicer.  Who would want to live a longer time only to be too scared to move all the time? 

There is also the problem of her brittle bones.  If she was to have a heart attack, the CPR would kill her.  Just the act of compressing the chest to do CPR would break her ribs.  If she were to stop breathing, putting a tube into her throat to help her breath could tear her throat tissue and cause bleeding.  She takes blood thinners to prevent blood clots.  Taking blood thinners means she would bleed to death from trying to save her life. 

Choosing to sign a DNR is an extremely stressful decision.  I didn't want to be the one making this decision but someone had to do it.  It was especially sad seeing my mother after making the decision to sign the papers.  She was like a child sitting in a wheelchair, with a bib on, begging me to take her home with me.  I'm sure she is aware of her physical condition and is scared.   I did what I could to comfort and reassure her that she would be fine.  It was a very long walk to the exit door with her pleading behind me to not leave her there.

I don't know how much time my mother has left.  It could be days or it could be weeks or if we are lucky it could even be years.  I plan to spend as much time with her as I can.   I can't stop the inevitable but I can do something to make the end a little more comforting.  I can ask her to say hello to my sons when she gets to heaven.

Ok, it's time for me to get away from this sad topic.  Time to go clean, or cook, or quilt, or organize.... something to get myself out of this depressed mood.  Why do sad things always happen to me at Christmas?

Waiting for a call

I was waiting on a phone call from the owner of the next quilt before I could start on it. I put this one of my own on the machine and worked with it while I waited.  This is the window quilt that isn't going to hang on a window.  It's going to hang in the archway between the studio and the kitchen.  There's a lot of stitching on it already and lots more to be done before it's finished. 

What I'm doing is emptying bobbins as I do the stitching on it.  I had a couple dozen bobbins with just small amounts of thread on them.  It's colors that I haven't needed for customer quilts for a very long time.  I don't want to just unwind the thread and throw it away so it's all going into this quilt.  What you see is actually going to be the back of the quilt and the backing will become the front.  There's ALOT of different colors that will be on the back when it's done.  I've worked on this one off and on for several months.  No hurry to get it done as long as it's before cold weather returns.  Thank goodness for zipper leaders.

I ran all the anti-virus software that I have on my computer.  So far my computer seems to be ok.  For now there isn't any more corn or unexpected turning itself off.   

I finally talked with someone at the court house about getting my mother a state appointed guardian.  He was very discouraging about me turning the responsibility over to them.  I was told each state guardian has 200 to 300 clients already.  I told him the situation and how frustrating it was for me to deal with my mother.  He said "It's not right to burden a state worker with more work because you can't deal with the frustration."   

He did give me a suggestion that might work.  He said maybe one of the state appointed guardians (for other patients at the nursing home) could talk with my mother, during their regular visit, to explain what a state guardian would and wouldn't do for her.  The state guardians visit the home every once in awhile as required by law.  He can have one of them talk with my mother and explain what she believes will happen..... won't.

I got news for him..... I'm not as weak as he might believe.  I do have some backbone in me.  I may have given in this time but ONLY to give his suggestion a try.  If it doesn't work, I'm going to INSIST they appoint her another guardian.  They are the professionals trained (and paid) to do that type of work but I'm not.  They can handle the frustration from now on because I won't deal with it anymore. 

We got rain last night and the weather is supposed to be cooler for a few days.  Maybe I can get more work finished than I've been able to do while it's been so hot.  One of my 4 customers brought me 9 tops, a second brought 3.  Some of the tops are very small pillow size. 

A new day

Yes, a new day, new things to think about.

As you know from reading my post, yesterday was a particularly bad day.  What I didn't say in my post was that it would have been my son's 42 birthday.  He passed away from cancer when he was 14.  I wanted to spend the day just remembering him and my mother took that away from me.  

I decided to lay in the bed and take my mind to the quiet place I learned about as a child.  There are no sounds and no responsibilities there.  Only peace.

I awoke this morning still a little depressed but at the same time ready to be normal.  I don't want to be that abused child with the responsibilites of an adult anymore. 
The only way to do that is to stop the contact with the abuser.  This is sad because despite everything, she's still my mother.  See, even now I'm reluctant to cut the strings that hold me to my abuser.  But it must be done.  I'm way too old to let her control the rest of my life.

Today I plan to set up an appointment to petition the courts to get my mother a state appointed guardian.  Neither my brother nor my sister will do it.  They have cut off all contact (years ago) with our mother except when I badger my brother into going with me to see her.   He goes only because of me.   He has a car. Sometimes he will go inside the nursing home for a short visit.  Sometimes he sits in the car and waits for me.

I have often told my mother that I just want to be a daughter.... I don't want to be her parent or her servant anymore.  The last time I was at the nursing home I asked my mother why she never, ever said the words "I love you" to me or the others?  Her response was "I shouldn't have to say that because I'm your mother."  Well sometimes a child just wants to hear it even if they don't believe it.  I asked her why she never called just to say how are you or what are you doing or how are the grandkids instead of just calling me to give orders of things to do.  Her response was "You are supposed to do things for me because I'm your mother."  I guess she never realized that being a mother is more than just giving birth. 

Being a mother should be about doing what is best for the child.  If a mother's love for the child is real then that mother should be strong enough to give up the child for a better life.  I remember several times when all of us had the opportunity to be adopted.  Really nice families that wanted us to be a part of their lives.  Sometimes all of us together and sometimes a family only wanted one of us.  Even today if I ask my brother or my sister about the families that wanted to adopt us..... they can remember every one of them.  I can only vaguely remember one.  I guess because I spent more time in my quiet place than they did.  I can remember all the opportunities but not the families. 

Hmm... I guess I best post this and head to the studio.  I can work until time for the courts to open.

I want my readers to know I'm fine.  Years of dealing with my mother has taught me how to get through the stress.  I either go to the quiet place OR I start cleaning everything in sight.  Today, instead of cleaning I'm going to channel the energy into finishing the quilt on the machine.